chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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