I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
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