coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
