I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
