Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
