Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
