i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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