Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
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the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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