New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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