I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
