at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
