I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
is this the sara with the beer cane?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
