I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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