I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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