Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
