apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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