literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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