The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
