Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
