im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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