sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
