I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
