R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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