Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
