I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
