Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
