You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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