Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
