I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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