I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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