i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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