I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
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