Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
