I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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