There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
