You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
