i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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