Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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