I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
