I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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