i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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