a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
