Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
