I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
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