Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
