I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
