I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
