Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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