All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I skipped work to stalk him.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
