sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
