i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
