why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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