Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Randomize
