why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
