Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
