I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
