I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
sex in a hospital.. check
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
